I had to break up with someone very dear to me today. I knew it was coming for a long time, I could feel the tension mounting, and it was finally time to let it all go.
It was over quickly, they just turned and left without a word of protest, just a hurt expression on their face. There was of course the usual bitter sting of departure, the moment of doubt before saying it, and the ones afterwards that maybe I should go back and try to make amends. Maybe, if I plead, they'll come back. But I know now that the seal is broken, the air has been let out, and the magic won't come back.
Today, I rejected my True Self. And I encourage you to do the same.
My True Self, some would say, is the part of me that I keep hidden deep down inside. That immutable, unchanging, fixed part of me. The "real me" that I keep hidden from the world, that I'm afraid of getting hurt. The part of me that I should never question, that I should trust whenever I'm in doubt. The part of me that I should refuse to compromise on.
Maybe your True Self is a writer who can never get started on their big book. Or maybe your True Self is a romantic who can just never find the right partner. Perhaps it's a great orator who is afraid to get up and speak. A painter who can imagine beautiful images but never picks up a paintbrush. A musician who is haunted by music they wish they could play but don't know how to play a single instrument.
I rejected my True Self for three major reasons: accountability, immutability, and whininess.
First, if a part of me wants to make a difference to my whole, they must stand up and be counted. They can't just tug and tug for me to get ready to do something, then walk away when I'm finally ready to start. After dozens of purchases of various art supplies, gaming books, computer science books, and preparing for project after project, my True Self keeps neglecting to show up and make use of what I have paved the way for them to be able to express. Every time they propose a new project, it's missing an ingredient, which the rest of my gestalt needs to go acquire. Once acquired, of course, the True Self is mute and unresponsive, unwilling to make good on what they promised they'd do.
Second, the idea of some piece of me being "unchangeable" no longer sits with me. I spent pretty much the entire time from age ten through twenty-five basically operating as a very introverted person, who kept few friends and didn't really want to do much. During the time that LJ was popular and those little quiz memes were circulating like wildfire, I did a Myers-Briggs one that scored me as a pretty classic "bookworm": INTP. This was my "true self" - Introverted, Intuitive, Thinking, Perceiving. This was how I was supposed to feel "comfortable" relating to myself and the world around me, which corresponded to how I WAS relating to the world around me.
After I moved out to Vancouver, broke up with my wife and forced myself into the social scene, I realized that I was changing. Not just little by little, but rather quickly when placed in the new environment of looking for friends. I recently redid a Myers-Briggs personality test, and scored dramatically different than before: ENFJ - Extroverted, Intuitive, Feeling, Judging. Now my "true self" was supposed to be comfortable with meeting lots of people and acting on emotions. Conveniently this seems to be how I am relating to the world around me - now.
If "the world's most widely used personality assessment" is going to get tripped up by a few years of personal growth, then I don't really see there being much hope for quantifying my True Self into any discrete, rational form.
Lastly, HOLY SHIT is my True Self whiny. If there is one part of my gestalt that is more annoying, more needy, and more prone to making bad decisions than the rest of me, it's the part that has managed to get itself enshrined as the "true self". Seriously, having a part of me claiming that it's the one that gets to make the decisions that are "the best for me" is crippling.
I no longer believe that any part of my mind is an unchangeable "real me" that is free from accountability of actions. No part of my mind gets to pass off with the excuse of "well, that's just the way I am I guess."
But if a part of me tries to claim such, I'll be happy to show it the door.
